was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
