One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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