so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
