Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
