Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize