Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
