my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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