Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
