I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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