I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
