New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
