so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
