i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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