In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
