please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
