Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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