can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Little spoons don't ask big questions
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
