the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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