So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
