Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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