I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
How many fucks given?
0.12846
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize