At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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