i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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