Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
