Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
