he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
