totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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