In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
