can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
