i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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