If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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