omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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