If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
