And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
