I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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