i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize