I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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