I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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