Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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