ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize