I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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