Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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