The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize
