how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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