im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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