I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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