also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
