Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
this is an emotional support booty call
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
