Your mouth is God's brothel.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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