OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
