I'm lost and stupid without you.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
