Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
