if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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