I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize