Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
