I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
