with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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